Home.

Lately, I've been restless. My soul hasn't known what to do. I haven't thought much about the paths I'm taking. I haven't moved with direction. My soul has been thirsty. It's seeking for something- what, I don't know yet. 
I've found that I grow the most in my faith when I'm down in the dark valley that is confusion and drama and the stress of life. When I'm broken, I realize my disparity for Jesus and I run to him. Then I learn more about him and my love for him grows. 
But what about when I'm not in the midst of a trial? What about daily life when I'm going about my schooling, socializing with friends, and I'm generally happy and light hearted? My desperate need for Jesus dims. I fail to thank him for the state I'm in, because I don't realize how dependent the ways of my life are on him, even in the times when the sun is shining. 
And so, I try to remind myself of the blessings and grace of the Lord. And I try to remember these things every day. 
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation." 

Last week, I was living for today. I was accomplishing assignments, crossing off my to-do list, scurrying through the days so that I could make it here. If I can just make it to Tuesday, I'll be alright because I get to go home. This morning, I had a different reaction to the phrase "I'm going home." As my plane left the ground in Los Angeles, I started to wonder what I consider home. What feels like home? For a second, my excitement stalled. Do I really want to go to Arkansas right now? Do I want to leave this place? I was surprised that I wasn't overwhelmed with excitement- instead, I was a bit sad. 
This transition to college life is interesting in so many different ways, to say the least. But today I find myself thinking about the transition of home. When is it that my home in Arkansas doesn't feel like my entire home? When do I start to feel like I have two homes? Can I even have two homes?

This morning, as the plane turned left and the wing dipped low, I watched the sun glare upon the Pacific Ocean. I watched the clouds give way into the mountains and the cars traveling down the coastal highway I now know so well. I peered at this ocean that contained real memories for me now- the time I went with friends during the first week of school, the time I went to study for a few hours by myself, the time I caught a whale jumping in and out from so far away- captivated by the beauty and power of that creature in such a big ocean. And now here I am, on a plane high above the rest of the world. High above land that is home and land that is not home to me. Can I take off from my home, travel thousands of miles east, and land once again... home? 

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